As the smoke clears, I awaken and untangle you from me. Would it make you feel better to watch me while I bleed?...You can take everything I have. You can break everything I am, like I'm made of glass, like I'm made of paper. Go on and try to tear me down, I will rising from the ground like a skyscaper. Yeah, it's a long way down. But I'm closer to the clouds up here.

Ah, Demi. Damn, girl.
This reminds me of a song I would have listened to in my depressed state. Some time ago :P
But it's time to stop blaming you for everything that went wrong after you came along.
It's time to put the responsibility on me, and no one else but me. I make my own choices, I make my own mistakes. It's my fault.

Cooking and Baking

There are so many cups of melted butter and fat in those cookies I made. So many cups of sugar. All those tablespoons of oil and salt in the dishes that I made. Why the hell did I start cooking -__- This is so bad now that I know what's in what I'm eating. My stomach is enormous, yikes. All that working out a few months ago, wasted. Now I need to start again, sigh.

Why, oh why, did Eric shave all that delicious hair off his head? The "flip"! The smooth, conditioned hotness. Why does such a hottie have to play such a dumb role on television. Oh, if only he was truly perfect. I'd finally have a celebrity crush? Hahaha.

Anyway, I have a couple days of break left. Must hang out with people, must get all my homework done, must send out business letters on behalf of robotics, and most of all....must get my sleeping schedule back in order. :) Good night!

Jeanette Wright: 2011 California Beat the Odds Scholarship Recipient

This is Jeanette Wright. She, along with all the other Beat the Odds recipients and all the other students like her, are amazing and inspirational. She gives me hope that the future of the world isn't SO bleak. I just wish that people like her were ruling the world and going to Ivy Leagues and etc.
It's one thing to watch these videos of other kids, but it's another to actually know them. We didn't really get to know each other much while at APYLP, but I'm just glad that I had the opportunity to meet her. I wanna watch these people become GREAT :)

Musical Theater?

Classic. Lovelovelove.

Guys who can sing are so sexy. This never gets old :)

Boy Meets World.

I miss watching this with my brother in the good old days. The little sisters in this show are always protected and loved by their older brothers ^___^ I'm so lucky I have a great older brother.

I should have taken more life lessons from this show. But then I didn't have this kind of insight years ago. The boys drop a couple compliments, and the girls fawn over them. How guys are dumb and blahhhhh. So many life mistakes.

Literature.

J.K. Rowling...worth billions of dollars and has created the most intricately thought out fictional series in the world. Stephanie Meyers...people say she can't write, but I've learned to appreciate her simplistic style of story telling. Toni Morrison makes weaving social, sexual, racial and economic inequalities together seem...easy.

"The average person has a total of 3 careers (not jobs, careers) throughout their entire life."
Excuse me for trying to plan out my entire future (to the day I want to be euphanized at age...70ish because I would rather die than be cooped up in a nursing home). So I'll take a degree in something interesting, but stable, and minor in Literature. Then I'll do what my major is, then retire after 10 years and be a teacher. Then retire early as a teacher and write, write, write, read, read, read :) Maybe start a business or go back to school to get a business administration degree somewhere along the road.

Wheeeeeeeeee. I feel calmer now.

Potential.

I have so much of it. I know I do. I know I can do anything if I devote a lot of time, will power and energy into doing it (if I had the time...and self motivation :P). But the most frustrating thing is that I have no idea what I want to do with my potential or skills. Medicine? Engineering? Business Administration? I'm interested in all of those things. But what will make me happiest? What will allow me to have time to always be there for my kids, in the future? Why do I think so much. Ms. Boquiren is right. I need to stop trying to plan out every detail of my future and just let life happen.

But graduating in 4 years is a must. I dont have the money to stay in school for ever -___-

Take a dive.

A boy is definitely not worth ruining a friendship for. If that friendship is breakable by a single person, then that friendship was never that strong, anyway. No matter how great he may be, the significant other will never be as great as a true friend. A friend will be there for you until you're 80. A boy might be there until next week. And a man is just there for the night.

Reality or Cynicism

I'm beginning to think you're not that great of a person, that you're just like me in the sense that you're trying to be a good person. But, and I don't know if this is even worse, you don't do it for the right reasons. Are you doing it because you want to seem nice? Because you want to go to heaven? How many of us actually are who we say we are? Or are we just pretending? How many of us will instinctively help out someone in need, regardless of the retribution? How many of us act a certain way (whether it is to seem cool, to seem smart, to seem like a great person) just to try to make someone else like us?
You've been hanging out with him too much. Or maybe I  never really knew you at all. But I remember the days when were you actually pure and innocent. I remember, because I was, too. But now, when people get older and wiser, we all become so...corrupted, in a sense. I miss those childhood days. Riddled with confusion and bad decisions (because we didn't know what was a bad decision) as they were. Because those old days were ones of unintentional deeds, good and bad.
AND you are so freaking blind.

We are all so hypocritical. I think society makes us all hypocritical. It's considered impolite to lie. But we tell white lies all the time to not hurt someone else's feelings. Preachers talk about loving other people, but I bet they have grudges against some people. The church talks about loving everyone, but people (from the Crusades to the current anti-gay marriage activists) have been using their religion as a justification for...basically, hate. I'm going to leave this topic, because the Bible is so contradictory (with itself!) that I don't even want to touch upon in this, already, relatively lengthy blog. Doctors are supposed to be the great people who are helping everyone. But all I hear are stories about pre-medical students being cut throat and competitive in college, a point where they don't help others and they sabotage other people's labs. I wouldn't want that type of doctor to take care of me. I want someone who genuinely cares about other people. I just get tired of society some times, and I retreat to my books, my piano/any sort of music, really, and mindless television shows, to get away from this world that is supposedly SO progressive. We're making technological advances, but television is taking away from our family bonding times. We're making genetically engineered foods...that are harmful for us. We're using chemicals in make up and other skincare products that espouses that they will help your body...but they contain chemicals that can cause cancer. What's the sense in this world? I've admitted it (to Linda Lam, only) that I've realized that I'm the biggest hypocrite in the world. At least I'm honest and I don't try to pretend otherwise. I'm sexist. I hit guys all the time, but expect them not to hit me back. I'm a horrible person, yeah, yeah, yeah. I tell everyone to follow their dreams, no matter what their parents say, but how am I living up to my own advice? How am I following my dreams, and not my father's?

Sigh. I'm just looking for a (real life) role model. Some sort of example of what to do. Some one to give me guidance (and I refuse to "follow" someone I can't talk to). But I guess a good person IS impossible to find in this world. That's why people need to "believe" so much in someone who is "perfect". Since my brother kinda left my life, and since my parents are shit at parenting, I've had to figure out everything on my own. It's getting tiring.

I'm watching a movie, and the actor said "sure as hell". Then it hit me. That's so freaking stupid. Hell ISN'T sure. We don't have PROOF that it exists. NO ONE knows what happens after we die. Hell, for all we know, could be a made up place, like Atlantis.

I'm a striver.

You're a Striver. Confident and sociable, you're a really good listener too and are generous with your time when it comes to helping others. Your friends know where to come if they want some really good advice. You have tons of infectious energy and lots of natural enthusiasm. You tend to be committed when it comes to achieving your goals in life. You set high standards for yourself and others and like to keep your eye on the prize. Resourcefulness is definitely one of your finest strengths. When you get excited about something, you have the confidence and passion to inspire all those around you. You're feeling comfortable in your own skin at the moment, so life's probably feeling good. Your balanced attitude and positive thinking mean you can take the good with the bad. A healthy relationship really is the bedrock of a happy home, but it also takes a lot of energy and commitment to maintain. Make sure that with all the other distractions, your love life doesn't end up at the bottom of the list. Life's all about options. Allow yourself to be excited by possibility and potential. Try not to push to know the answer all the time. There will be lots of twists and turns in life. Rather than wishing away the journey, try to live in the moment and enjoy every bump in the road! Challenge yourself to try new experiences and live life to the fullest. Remember that you can't be upbeat and outgoing 100 percent of the time. It's okay to tune out and look inward every now and again. In fact, we encourage it! You understand the importance of great friendships. They're one of the most precious things you have in your life. Make sure you seize every opportunity to spend time with your best friends. It's always a great source of inspiration and comfort to you.

Muy interesante.

Griffindor's where I wanna be...

but I'm afraid the sorting hat has put me into Slytherin :(
No worries. I shall change!

All nighters.

What I don't like about staying up all night to do homework:

• kicking my dad out of his own bedroom for the night, because the only working printer is in his room...and he refuses to move it to the vacant room. or the living room. -____- stubborn butt. (I don't even have a choice. he just gets up and goes to sleep in the guest room for the night...but my fault for not saying anything to stop him. it's okay, we can sleep anywhere. it runs in the family :P )
• the amount of excess calories that I consume 
• not even getting that much done
• missing sleep...
• being awake when it's the coldest time of the day...

What I like....probably the only positive thing is that I get this peaceful solitude that I don't get at any other time. Except if I'm dead. Or asleep. Because if I stay off facebook...I can imagine that no one's up and I'm the only one in the world and no one's around to bother me. 

Holiday Season.

I wanna put up Christmas lights around the house.
I want the whole Christmas tree, fire place (ironically, my house has a fire place... and we live in San Diego), presents under the tree, Christmas caroling, hot chocolate, family time thing that normal families have.
Except it's awkward...because my parents don't celebrate Christmas.
They don't celebrate Thanksgiving...my dad worked on Thanksgiving :(
They don't even celebrate Lunar New Year that much. I guess if we lived in Vietnam, it'd be different in that regard. But they have Christmas over there too :( My parents are just......UGH.
They don't celebrate birthdays, period.
I think they used to celebrate mine. We'd at least go out to eat or something. But now, nothing.
I blame my dad. My mom is surprisingly more loving, despite all the...crap.
It's okay. I guess.
I'm gonna have such a DIFFERENT family when I'm older. I'm gonna smother everyone with love :) Like I do to Angela hehehee. And Kevin, because he called me his Worst Enemy around the time we first met. But now I'm his worst Enemy, because I'm always obnoxiously nice to him, like "HI BUDDY!" and "HOW ARE YOU, BEST FRIEND?" :) I'm the worst Enemy ever, hehehehe.

Just thinking about stuff, I guess. Even though I have no time to contemplate life any more.
SAT Subjects are on Saturday... I can't do this anymore. I can't study/work all day, all night anymore. After homework, extra curriculars, scholarships and errands/cooking...I'm dead. I'll be happy if I get a 600 on anything. T_T

HD Camera

We were deciding our service learning project yesterday. Amara brought up the topic of making a documentary about bullying at school, but no one wanted to do bullying...or a documentary. I've actually been toying with the idea of making a documentary for a couple years now. I know how to edit videos and stuff on Sony Vegas Pro. I just need an HD camcorder. So I might buy myself that for my 18th birthday/yay i'm done with college apps present :) The issue I'm thinking about doing right now is homelessness. I could interview homeless people and all of that...but I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to go up to homeless people and ask to talk to them.

I'm sure other ideas will come about. I'll add "make a documentary" to my life goals :)

To the 12th Grade Me.

Have fun.
Enjoy what's left of high school.
But still try your best.
Push yourself to do the things you love, while pushing yourself to study hard.
It will all pay off in the end.
But most importantly of all: where ever you end up...make it your mindset to love it there.
Don't worry too much about the finances >.<"

Stop pretending,

to be someone you're not.

MTV.

It's not that I think I'm too good for you. Don't take it the wrong way. I'm not enough.

Everythig happens for a reason.

I lost my 4gb USB today :(
I keep losing things.
I retraced my steps and asked all the lost-and-founds at UCSD Geisel, PC and BML, but no luck.

But! I started using Google docs :D
It's so awesome. And better than using a USB because I'll never use any of my documents. Unless Google shuts down, but that's unlikely as it's becoming a monopoly lolol.
I was sad. But now I'm happy ^_^

Breaking Dawn, Part 1

"Being any kind of happy is better than being miserable."
I disagree. I think being miserable is better than being fake happy.
But I also disagree with Jacob...imprinting doesn't necessarily have to be the fake kind of happy. The werewolves just found their soul mate instinctively, instead of having to go through the process of trial and error :)

Politics.

 

I despise it -_-
Articles and videos treating protesters like they're less than human. Using cruel and unusual punishment (amendment....) on protesters, like dousing them with pepper spray and then having Congress declare it "healthy for the protesters", because pepper spray is a vegetable -______-" Just take money away from "defense", the army, welfare (because we know people abuse the shit outta that program anyway), the 1%, and everybody stfu. Why do people gotta be haters and cause controversy. I understand the issue when it comes to immigration and marijuana, because it affects everyone in different ways. But abortion and gay rights? Let people make their own decisions, live their own lives, and do whatever they want. Heh. I guess if I had to categorize myself, I'd be a liberal. But I think after this rant, I'm just gonna stay out of politics. It's kind of obvious that the majority feel that the government isn't doing its job. Let's all become communists hohoho just kidding. My parents ran away from that type of gov., too.

Politics, in every way and every division, is corrupt.
 People who are in power, abuse their power to some degree. It's human nature. There's no way around it. That's why I didn't like ASB and never applied to be in it again, after spending my entire sophomore year in that class.
Sigh. Can't we all just get along?

I can't have you.

And I'm completely fine with that ^_^

ahmahgahhh so much work to do. I don't even know where to start. Arthur say to start with the hardest thing...but...they're all so hard @_@
college supplements and studying for the math II SAT...it raped my ass last time T_T sighhhhh

Secrets on Violin and Cello
and Clara Chan

Fireworks on Viola

by the time I die, I'll learn to play:

• uke
• cello
• viola
• saxaphone
• drums

but for now...I'll try to do better at

• violin
• piano
• guitar

I want to be able to play that well, ahhhh these asians are so amazing~ :P lol

My brother.

Just a typical conversation between us:

xxdistantdawnxx: ohhh when are you coming back from sai gon?
xxdistantdawnxx: i shall have a job for you, hohoho
Dai VY: do your hw?
Dai VY: Monday like always
Dai VY: back to work baby
Dai VY: I go now
Dai VY: just leave msg
Dai VY is typing...
Dai VY: or offline msg
xxdistantdawnxx: okiedokie
xxdistantdawnxx: have fun
xxdistantdawnxx: dont get AIDS
xxdistantdawnxx: lalala
xxdistantdawnxx: or children! thats the worst thing you can possibly get !
xxdistantdawnxx: okay, bye.

DISCLAIMER: He's never ever done my homework. I'm just gonna ask him to do mindless tasks like email colleges for me and ask them all the same questions. Hehehehe :P

Katy Perry

"In another life

I would be your girl

We keep all our promises

Be us against the world

In another life

I would make you stay

So I don't have to say

You were the one that got away

The one that got away"

I just wish you'd stop trying to talk to me. I can't be mean to you, no matter how hard I try. But I'm kind of grateful for the amount of work that senior year as bestowed upon me. I can't help but to avoid you, or ignore you, because I just simply don't have the time to waste. So I guess that's one positive light in this dark abyss I've been living in.

Submitted my UC application today ^_^

My personal statements aren't very strong. I'm still very insecure about them, but I'm going to revise them. I submitted Early Action to SMU, and the Common App locked in all my answers. So I can't change anything anymore :( But there's another problem. I entered in the wrong birth day for myself >< I put the day in for the month and the month in for the date. Yeah, stupid, right? So after I scolded myself for being so idiotic, I emailed the Common App techs and they said they can't do anything about it, but suggested I make another account. So I made another Common App account with the RIGHT birthday, a different variation of my name, and a different email address, and am in the process of transferring all my information. This is like doing it...all...over...again. 

I see what you're trying to do.

CLICK ON THE PICTURE!

I want to say that mission "Turning Tables" worked. But I don't want to get ahead of myself :)
Acceptance stage, hurry up.

Take that person away. Go ahead, because it's actually helping me.

Nicki Minaj

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise

I have to go drive Angela to her SDYouthSymphony concert at 2. From City Heights to Escondido -_- It can't be helped, I guess. She has no other ride. Agliam said it's gonna be like $10-20 in gas $$, and I'm not gonna make Angela pay that much. My dad's gonna be so mad when I come back with the tank empty, sigh. So drive her there at 3. Wait and drive her home at 7pm. Why am I waiting there? I don't even know. I think I agreed to be one of her viewers.
I detest driving.
But Arthur agreed to come and keep me company ^_^
I love my dad hehehe. I just hope he doesn't get too too bored while I'm doing homework. I usually push people away. Let's see how this goes, for a change. Lol

I have 2 more hours before I have to go. Must finish ap gov and ap chem homework first. LEGGO.

Rain On Me.

I dyed my  hair twice this weekend. My goal was dirty blond, or at least light brown... The first box was blond. It didn't work. The second box was medium brown. So now my hair's dark brown. I refuse to straight out bleach it, though. Too much chemical yuckiness to use all over my head.

It's 4 am and I'm up writing my supplement to Brown. This whole college application process tires me out. But it's worth it. Not because of where I'm going to end up, but what I'm learning about myself in the process. 


I've been thinking about robotics. I want us to win so bad. Chairmans. And robot. That's why I'm learning to program (and also because I've been wanting to for years, and this will be my last chance). That's why I'm going to do all that I can for the team. That's why I'm going to be on people's ass about doing their job, even though I'm not an officer anymore. I don't care if I'm not. This is my fourth year on the team and I'm not going to standby while the team falls apart/get worse...again.

P.S. I'm not going to bother him any more. I'm not going to waste my time thinking about him anymore. I honestly have more serious matters to attend to. And it's just not worth it, anymore. I've done my job to myself. I've talked myself out of feeling. Yay, me.

Crazy, Stupid, Love.

Trust is stupid. Love is stupid. I'm stupid to still have hope in those things, even after all the previous shit. I wish I could just ice over my heart. You know what, maybe I'll become a chemist and figure out how to do that. Yup. The world will thank me once all the pain/suffering/heartbreaks disappear. As well as all the love. But I think that's a pretty fair trade.

I'm sorry that I can't be like her. I just can't. I'm sorry that I'm not good enough for you. I'm sorry that I don't make your world amazing and wonderful like she does/did. I'm sorry I'm not as talented or inspiring or beautiful, inside and out, as she is. But I can promise you that I will love you more than she ever will. Isn't that enough?

No. Because at this point, we both deserve better. I know I deserve someone who will love only me. Moreover, I don't even want to think of the possibility that I might be enough for you. Because then what happens when we fall apart, as all relationships do, eventually and one way or another? I don't think I can bare to take that sort of pain...again. And so I will continue "acting". I'll avoid you at every turn, in hopes that these feelings go away. But I doubt they will. They haven't gone away for years.

I have this tendency to encourage guys I like to go after other girls. Or to pretend I don't like guys I actually do like. Like to the point where I don't talk to them and they really do think I don't like them. Heh. I should start adopting cats now, because I'm going to have to somehow end up with 99 by the time I'm 65, retired and still single :')

Amateur Acting.

We got our critics from the Great Gatsby play back today. People in Drama said I'm a good actress.
And that was probably the first acting experience I've ever had.
Maybe it's because I've been acting every day of my life.
Because I've been pretending, fronting and hiding behind this facade of apathy (or what I aim to portray as an uncaring demeanor) for so long, that I've just gotten used to being fake.
Don't judge me. We all do it. I'm just trying to find myself and change, for the better.

Gilbert said I act like I'm better than everyone else, after just one day of meeting me. When I asked Sharon, one of the few people in the world who knows me really well, if that was true, she said yes. But she attempted to make this sound like it's not thaaat bad of a thing by saying that she understands how I am and how I go off into my own little world, with little care of what happens around me. I know I ignore a lot of outside "noise", but I had no idea that resulted in giving off such an ugly impression. I pretend that the person I like isn't there, even when they are the only thing I notice. I pretend not to care about hurtful things. It's just my defense mechanism. My "snobbishness" is just another personal characteristic I need to work on, I guess.

Daddy's Little Girl.

Today in the car ride home, my dad brought up the idea of me becoming a medical assistant to get experience in the medical field. Then he said he asked his doctor friends if I could work in their office. Then he brought up the idea of pharmacy school. I'M STRESSED ENOUGH AS IS trying to get into undergraduate school. I'm stressed enough worrying about HOW I'M GOING TO PAY for college, because I am adamant about paying my own way. I would rather take on a job at McDonalds and pay off my 60,000 loan, than have my dad slave away to pay for my college education, the house, and his own college education (yes, he's going after his bachelors, at 55 years old. gotta give the dude some credit).
He is constantly pushing his ideas onto his wife (and my mother is the sort of traditional woman to just take it), my brother (who moved half way across the world to get away from my dad's ideologies) and myself (who is constantly trying to break away to do something/anything that I LOVE, rather than what my father thinks is going to bring in the most stable money). So I got fed up and just said "I will decide what I want to do with my life. You can not tell me what to do."
And all he said was.... "Good luck." :( :( :(
I understand how controlling my dad is and I know that I have to accept it because he's stubborn and will not change his fundamental ways. But I wish that I could get SOME kind of support for the things that I'm passionate about. He's never been to a robotics event. He's never ever everrrrrrrr been to a Volleyball game. He's been to maybe one award ceremony, to the point where I don't even go to those any more because there's just no point.
Yes, he pays for everything I own, use, want, eat, blah. But I'm not even that bad. My brother spends hundreds of dollars at the club (of Dad's money, not his own, and he HAS a job). Sigh. And I even feel bad for wishing for better parents, because I know all that he has done and sacrificed for me. I guess all I can take away from this is that I will be the greatest, most loving, coolest yet tough loving mom in. the. world.

*This is why I relate to this night's Glee episode so much. The asian dad said "Stop dancing. Be a doctor. If you don't quit the school musical, you are not my son anymore." And the asian teen dancer said "I'm not going to be a doctor. I'm going to be a professional dancer. Then I guess I don't have a dad anymore." I applaud him for standing up for his own life. Family comes first, always. But I have to put my own interests before my father's, because in the end...it's me that's going to be miserable doing something HE wanted me to do, while he is no longer on this Earth.

hello november. hello cold and rainy nights. hello fall.

"waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought"
hey boy, it's raining. take a frickin hint. :P
_________________________________________________________________________
when you gave me that rose, i felt nothing.

and that's how i knew whatever illusions i had about my feelings, and about us, were just that--illusions.

I took a 4 hour nap after the SATs -___- Glad that that's over. I literally tried my best, up to studying right outside the doors as I waited to walk into the testing room. That level of procrastination isn't something I'm proud of, but I had so much going on in the past month in terms of Volleyball, scholarships and UC apps that I just died :P

Was gonna run at least 2 miles, but I'm lazy. Hohohooo.
Running club and external motivation (in the form of Thomas Armstrong and Dr. Weber), here I come...That's so bad, I should be able to motivate myself. Okay, enough nonsense. Time for homework....was this post necessary? Not really, heh.

this, you, me, her; we're kind of like the sound of the violin bow screeching against the strings when I press down too hard. this situation is like my violin playing. horrible, tedious and hopeless. okay, my violin skills aren't that bad. but we are.

it's like i'm strapping  myself to the train tracks and envisioning the trainwreck to happen in my head, and i known it's coming, but i'm not moving out of the way. why do you have this effect on me? why am i allowing myself to be affected? not meant to be. can't. must give up.

Volleyball

 

 

Our last game was today. It feels so weird, to be seniors and to be the ones receiving the bouquet from coach and have all that pressure to do my best because I know that it's my last game, probably ever, because I'm no where good enough to play college volleyball.

It's sad, not because we lost, but because I reflected on everything after the game and it hit me that Volleyball meant so much to me. I tried hard to be good. But being on the team also taught me so much more. It taught me to be more responsible, by telling coach whenever I needed to miss a practice or a game because of other commitments. It taught me to strive to do better. It taught me how to work with other people. I'm so thankful we had such a great captain this year, because Kara's worth ethic truly inspires me. I got really mad during the second game because I made so many mistakes (this was the first time I got so down on myself, ever) and I guess coach saw that, and she had a little talk with me before the third game, and I almost cried. Being a girl sucks. But seeing coach tear up and say her little speech at the end of the game made me really sad, too. Because she DID watch all of us grow. It must be so amazing and rewarding to be a teacher.

This entire experience has helped me become a better person, and I wish I had taken it even more seriously and tried even harder. I could sit here and regret what could've been done, or I could put my efforts into post-season, to ensure that the team is better next year. That's how I can give back.

And I blocked, FINALLY. It was kind of a fail block because the fall slipped past my fingers, but it took my short ass 4 years to do that -___- lol

Giving Back

I've decided that which ever school I end up with, if there's no fly-in program, I'm doing work study in the admissions office and planning it! Or if there is, I'll still work in the admissions office/volunteer to make it run smoothly. At the very least, I want to be a host and have my own prefrosh! :D It's going to be so fun.

Ok, that's all. Back to work, work work work nom nom nom.

Jetlagged

I guess no Halloween Party tonight, then. Dang, I really wanted to go see Maddie. But I'm just too tired from my flights to the eastcoast and back..twice... My body kind of hates me. It wants to sleep, a lot. I'm even afraid to weigh myself to see how much weight I've gain. And thereby, how much weight I must lose. 

So tired. So much work to do. This will all be worth it, right? Eventually...?

Tufts University

It snowed! :D It was great that we got to visit on a weekend where it started snowing, because this was what I was afraid of, and it wasn't so scary at all! It was freezing and people grabbed snowballs and threw them (one hit me .... -points fingers to- john michael!), but this showed that the snow isn't impossible to manage, for me. Just gotta get winter coats, scarfts, gloves, load on the layers, grab rain boots and snow boots, and I'm good! (:

I wasn't feeling Tufts at first, but when Dan and the Dean got up there and started talking, and when I met my hostests, I felt like this is a place that I could see myself at for four years. Everyone is so quirky (that's the magic word in that school, lol) and it was really cool. I think I fit the school, but I don't know if the school fits me. It's hard to explain the difference. But everyone is really very nice and there is no differentiation between grades; the seniors are friendly with the freshmen. And I really feel like I can be myself there. I could be weird and nerdy and sing outta no where and not only will people accept it, they'll start singing along! :D I just wish I had the chance to go into Boston to see the city, because I'm a big city girl and I can't live without it. But I'm sure that I would be happy here. And I'm sure that Boston won't be that far away (;

Flowers.

On the night of the NHS induction ceremony, I asked my mom (days in advance) if she could go pick up some flowers and drop it off at school for me, because I was in charge of getting bouquets for our speakers. She went and did it, and then calls me an hour before the ceremony and tells me that she forgot her wallet at home. Okay, if this was a one time occurrence, it wouldn't have made me break down and cry in afterschool Calc tutoring. But this happens every. single. time. My mother is irresponsible and undependable...she is the fundamental opposite of every ideal I strive to achieve.

So I drove to the nearest store, in the rain, when I was supposed to be helping set up for the ceremony, through horrific traffic, to pick them up. It took an hour to do all this and get back to school literally 5 minutes before the event started. I had to change and slip on my heels and everything was wet and nasty...not fun.

But when Azeb handed the bouquet of flowers to the speaker and he said "Wow, this is the first time I've ever received flowers." That made it all worth it. He's old, like past 60 years old, and I was able to do this tiny, minuscule thing for him. :D

Well, this is a little peek into the kind of contemplation that goes on in my head, while I'm on my fourth 6-hour flight, this week.

"I majored in UNAFRAID."

This quote is part of the Barnard supplement to the Common Application. Instead of the traditional "I majored in Chemistry, or English, or Psycology", it says I majored in Unafraid. I majored, in life, in taking risks and going out of my way to achieve my goals.

This past weekend at Barnard was amazing. Barnard girls are super friendly and I definitely feel like I belong there. And Columbia is literally right across the street. I love the 9 Ways of Knowing GE system. There's this homey feeing about Barnard that welcomes its students that feels so good after a night of partying and coming home at lie, 4am. But I decided not to do ED for Barnard, because there are other colleges that I am interested in, and what it's going to come down to is the financial aid package that each college gives me, and I heard that ED gives less financial aid :P Probably not at Barnard or Columbia, because the applications are need blind, but the legally binding part of the ED process scares me. I'm still pretty iffy about committing to one school, legally.

I feel as if I will do amazing at any college I go to, regardless of the school's name. I'll be happy at any school I get into because I know what my goals are and I know how to achieve them. The college application process is such a personal one. I've discovered so much about myself that surprises me. I'm not afraid of anything anymore. I'm not afraid of moving half-way across the country and experience snow for the first time. The only scary part is the living expenses, but I'll get a job.

Something Borrowed.

I watched this movie on my flight back to San Diego last night. One line that stood out to me was: "When did you become one of these women, who just waits and waits?"

And that's true. Why AM I here waiting for you? Why did I wait for you at all? Have I learned nothing in the past 3-4 years; have I not changed at all? Clearly, I'm not your first choice. And I am NOT going to settle for being the second option, or anything short of being in the number one spot. I don't even want to be with anyone right now. I think I got so messed up because I got frustrated at myself; I started falling for you again partially because I didn't want to look back at myself, 10 years from now, and see failure when I think of us. So I'll tell you the truth by the end of the year. But that's all I really want to do. I don't see anything concrete happening between us. We're not even friends. You don't know the real me. You would be revolted, if you saw the real me. And so, this completes your occupation of my mind, heart, and most of all, TIME.

If you weren't in love with her, I'd have a chance. Correction, if you weren't in love with her, you'd have a chance with me. I'm broken enough as is. I will never settle for second best, when it comes to love. Therefore, we don't stand a chance.

But maybe, that's what I want to will myself to believe, because that's a factor that I can't change. Because it's easier to believe that someone else is the cause of this wall between us, than it is to accept the fact that it's us. Or that it's me. Why are you not taking initiative? Why don't you ever take initiative? Maybe you do, but it's not enough. Is it me? Am I not smart enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not talented enough, what? So yeah, it's easier to believe that you're in love with her, rather than to believe that you're not trying because something's wrong with me.

I need to ask you flat out. No more of these innuendos and mixed messages. Stop leading me on.

I feel like I'm spreading myself kind of thin. Hehe, that's what Paul Tran told me, two years ago. But I'm not the type of person to NOT do stuff, does that make sense? My schedule on a weekly basis, alone, is getting more intense.

Monday - Friday: Volleyball practice after school
Fridays: volunteer at the hospital.
Saturdays and Sundays: IDEALLY I'd go to Geisel at 10am, work until 4pm, run for at least 2 miles (I've been doing 2 miles every time -_- so lazy ughhhh but I'm in season, so all the volleyball sweat makes up for it? :D), then continue my study session at Tea-N-More until 11pm. But it's not working out as I want it. I never wake up early enough. I have things to do and events to go to every Saturday/Sunday. I need to learn to say NO and just buckle down and concentrate.

I'm keeping up the things I've been doing for the past three years; I'm not slowing down my goals just because I have a second job: to apply to colleges and scholarships. And trust me, I have a lot of Senior Year goals.

1. To learn to program the FRC robot.
2. To tell him how I feel, by graduation date. Hah, watch me do it on graduation day ...
3. To get into a college.
4. To get college paid for.
5. To win the next five volleyball games.
*(too lazy to edit numbering, because I'm adding this in at the end) To get a 2200 on the SATs!!!!!!!!
6. To get at least a B+ average. Lawl. Look how my standards has dropped.
7. To get the team to Nationals, by robot or Chairman's. POWER MUST HAPPEN, LINDA LAM!
8. To be happy. I don't need to find myself, I know who I am. But I need to learn to be more comfortable in my own skin. To be friendlier...or less bitchy. To make Senior Year last. To solidify the friendships that mean the most to me. To renew friendships that have been lost, at least for this year, because it's worth it.

Not to mention my goals AFTER senior year. Hah.

I don't feel like sleeping tonight.

I haven't started my homework (which is GIA notes, woll notes, buzz post and the precis for research). Easy stuff I should have been done with 3 hours ago, and I should be sleeping right now. But I couldn't, because I was too busy thinking about you, or more specifically, purposefully distracting myself so that I wouldn't think about you.

I hate this feeling, of wanting to confess everything to you, but at the same time, having to hold myself back because I know that it's of no use. And I have to forget about you. And I have to erase this part of my heart that I've held reserved for you, for so long. And I'm sorry that this is true, but my self deprivation is much easier than to go after happiness.

Hello.

This is my personal blog. My semi-personal Tumblr is here: minhtrangvy.tumblr.com, but I feel like I have more privacy here :) And because this is less mainstream and all my heart-to-heart entries won't be lost among all the relentless rebloggings of Tumblr.

Well, here goes. Everything I want my real friends to know about me, and more. Because I have nothing to hide and I'm pretty honest, if you ask the right question...when I'm not tired :) Hahhaa.