Giving Back

I've decided that which ever school I end up with, if there's no fly-in program, I'm doing work study in the admissions office and planning it! Or if there is, I'll still work in the admissions office/volunteer to make it run smoothly. At the very least, I want to be a host and have my own prefrosh! :D It's going to be so fun.

Ok, that's all. Back to work, work work work nom nom nom.

Jetlagged

I guess no Halloween Party tonight, then. Dang, I really wanted to go see Maddie. But I'm just too tired from my flights to the eastcoast and back..twice... My body kind of hates me. It wants to sleep, a lot. I'm even afraid to weigh myself to see how much weight I've gain. And thereby, how much weight I must lose. 

So tired. So much work to do. This will all be worth it, right? Eventually...?

Tufts University

It snowed! :D It was great that we got to visit on a weekend where it started snowing, because this was what I was afraid of, and it wasn't so scary at all! It was freezing and people grabbed snowballs and threw them (one hit me .... -points fingers to- john michael!), but this showed that the snow isn't impossible to manage, for me. Just gotta get winter coats, scarfts, gloves, load on the layers, grab rain boots and snow boots, and I'm good! (:

I wasn't feeling Tufts at first, but when Dan and the Dean got up there and started talking, and when I met my hostests, I felt like this is a place that I could see myself at for four years. Everyone is so quirky (that's the magic word in that school, lol) and it was really cool. I think I fit the school, but I don't know if the school fits me. It's hard to explain the difference. But everyone is really very nice and there is no differentiation between grades; the seniors are friendly with the freshmen. And I really feel like I can be myself there. I could be weird and nerdy and sing outta no where and not only will people accept it, they'll start singing along! :D I just wish I had the chance to go into Boston to see the city, because I'm a big city girl and I can't live without it. But I'm sure that I would be happy here. And I'm sure that Boston won't be that far away (;

Flowers.

On the night of the NHS induction ceremony, I asked my mom (days in advance) if she could go pick up some flowers and drop it off at school for me, because I was in charge of getting bouquets for our speakers. She went and did it, and then calls me an hour before the ceremony and tells me that she forgot her wallet at home. Okay, if this was a one time occurrence, it wouldn't have made me break down and cry in afterschool Calc tutoring. But this happens every. single. time. My mother is irresponsible and undependable...she is the fundamental opposite of every ideal I strive to achieve.

So I drove to the nearest store, in the rain, when I was supposed to be helping set up for the ceremony, through horrific traffic, to pick them up. It took an hour to do all this and get back to school literally 5 minutes before the event started. I had to change and slip on my heels and everything was wet and nasty...not fun.

But when Azeb handed the bouquet of flowers to the speaker and he said "Wow, this is the first time I've ever received flowers." That made it all worth it. He's old, like past 60 years old, and I was able to do this tiny, minuscule thing for him. :D

Well, this is a little peek into the kind of contemplation that goes on in my head, while I'm on my fourth 6-hour flight, this week.

"I majored in UNAFRAID."

This quote is part of the Barnard supplement to the Common Application. Instead of the traditional "I majored in Chemistry, or English, or Psycology", it says I majored in Unafraid. I majored, in life, in taking risks and going out of my way to achieve my goals.

This past weekend at Barnard was amazing. Barnard girls are super friendly and I definitely feel like I belong there. And Columbia is literally right across the street. I love the 9 Ways of Knowing GE system. There's this homey feeing about Barnard that welcomes its students that feels so good after a night of partying and coming home at lie, 4am. But I decided not to do ED for Barnard, because there are other colleges that I am interested in, and what it's going to come down to is the financial aid package that each college gives me, and I heard that ED gives less financial aid :P Probably not at Barnard or Columbia, because the applications are need blind, but the legally binding part of the ED process scares me. I'm still pretty iffy about committing to one school, legally.

I feel as if I will do amazing at any college I go to, regardless of the school's name. I'll be happy at any school I get into because I know what my goals are and I know how to achieve them. The college application process is such a personal one. I've discovered so much about myself that surprises me. I'm not afraid of anything anymore. I'm not afraid of moving half-way across the country and experience snow for the first time. The only scary part is the living expenses, but I'll get a job.

Something Borrowed.

I watched this movie on my flight back to San Diego last night. One line that stood out to me was: "When did you become one of these women, who just waits and waits?"

And that's true. Why AM I here waiting for you? Why did I wait for you at all? Have I learned nothing in the past 3-4 years; have I not changed at all? Clearly, I'm not your first choice. And I am NOT going to settle for being the second option, or anything short of being in the number one spot. I don't even want to be with anyone right now. I think I got so messed up because I got frustrated at myself; I started falling for you again partially because I didn't want to look back at myself, 10 years from now, and see failure when I think of us. So I'll tell you the truth by the end of the year. But that's all I really want to do. I don't see anything concrete happening between us. We're not even friends. You don't know the real me. You would be revolted, if you saw the real me. And so, this completes your occupation of my mind, heart, and most of all, TIME.

If you weren't in love with her, I'd have a chance. Correction, if you weren't in love with her, you'd have a chance with me. I'm broken enough as is. I will never settle for second best, when it comes to love. Therefore, we don't stand a chance.

But maybe, that's what I want to will myself to believe, because that's a factor that I can't change. Because it's easier to believe that someone else is the cause of this wall between us, than it is to accept the fact that it's us. Or that it's me. Why are you not taking initiative? Why don't you ever take initiative? Maybe you do, but it's not enough. Is it me? Am I not smart enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not talented enough, what? So yeah, it's easier to believe that you're in love with her, rather than to believe that you're not trying because something's wrong with me.

I need to ask you flat out. No more of these innuendos and mixed messages. Stop leading me on.

I feel like I'm spreading myself kind of thin. Hehe, that's what Paul Tran told me, two years ago. But I'm not the type of person to NOT do stuff, does that make sense? My schedule on a weekly basis, alone, is getting more intense.

Monday - Friday: Volleyball practice after school
Fridays: volunteer at the hospital.
Saturdays and Sundays: IDEALLY I'd go to Geisel at 10am, work until 4pm, run for at least 2 miles (I've been doing 2 miles every time -_- so lazy ughhhh but I'm in season, so all the volleyball sweat makes up for it? :D), then continue my study session at Tea-N-More until 11pm. But it's not working out as I want it. I never wake up early enough. I have things to do and events to go to every Saturday/Sunday. I need to learn to say NO and just buckle down and concentrate.

I'm keeping up the things I've been doing for the past three years; I'm not slowing down my goals just because I have a second job: to apply to colleges and scholarships. And trust me, I have a lot of Senior Year goals.

1. To learn to program the FRC robot.
2. To tell him how I feel, by graduation date. Hah, watch me do it on graduation day ...
3. To get into a college.
4. To get college paid for.
5. To win the next five volleyball games.
*(too lazy to edit numbering, because I'm adding this in at the end) To get a 2200 on the SATs!!!!!!!!
6. To get at least a B+ average. Lawl. Look how my standards has dropped.
7. To get the team to Nationals, by robot or Chairman's. POWER MUST HAPPEN, LINDA LAM!
8. To be happy. I don't need to find myself, I know who I am. But I need to learn to be more comfortable in my own skin. To be friendlier...or less bitchy. To make Senior Year last. To solidify the friendships that mean the most to me. To renew friendships that have been lost, at least for this year, because it's worth it.

Not to mention my goals AFTER senior year. Hah.

I don't feel like sleeping tonight.

I haven't started my homework (which is GIA notes, woll notes, buzz post and the precis for research). Easy stuff I should have been done with 3 hours ago, and I should be sleeping right now. But I couldn't, because I was too busy thinking about you, or more specifically, purposefully distracting myself so that I wouldn't think about you.

I hate this feeling, of wanting to confess everything to you, but at the same time, having to hold myself back because I know that it's of no use. And I have to forget about you. And I have to erase this part of my heart that I've held reserved for you, for so long. And I'm sorry that this is true, but my self deprivation is much easier than to go after happiness.

Hello.

This is my personal blog. My semi-personal Tumblr is here: minhtrangvy.tumblr.com, but I feel like I have more privacy here :) And because this is less mainstream and all my heart-to-heart entries won't be lost among all the relentless rebloggings of Tumblr.

Well, here goes. Everything I want my real friends to know about me, and more. Because I have nothing to hide and I'm pretty honest, if you ask the right question...when I'm not tired :) Hahhaa.