All nighters.

What I don't like about staying up all night to do homework:

• kicking my dad out of his own bedroom for the night, because the only working printer is in his room...and he refuses to move it to the vacant room. or the living room. -____- stubborn butt. (I don't even have a choice. he just gets up and goes to sleep in the guest room for the night...but my fault for not saying anything to stop him. it's okay, we can sleep anywhere. it runs in the family :P )
• the amount of excess calories that I consume 
• not even getting that much done
• missing sleep...
• being awake when it's the coldest time of the day...

What I like....probably the only positive thing is that I get this peaceful solitude that I don't get at any other time. Except if I'm dead. Or asleep. Because if I stay off facebook...I can imagine that no one's up and I'm the only one in the world and no one's around to bother me. 

Holiday Season.

I wanna put up Christmas lights around the house.
I want the whole Christmas tree, fire place (ironically, my house has a fire place... and we live in San Diego), presents under the tree, Christmas caroling, hot chocolate, family time thing that normal families have.
Except it's awkward...because my parents don't celebrate Christmas.
They don't celebrate Thanksgiving...my dad worked on Thanksgiving :(
They don't even celebrate Lunar New Year that much. I guess if we lived in Vietnam, it'd be different in that regard. But they have Christmas over there too :( My parents are just......UGH.
They don't celebrate birthdays, period.
I think they used to celebrate mine. We'd at least go out to eat or something. But now, nothing.
I blame my dad. My mom is surprisingly more loving, despite all the...crap.
It's okay. I guess.
I'm gonna have such a DIFFERENT family when I'm older. I'm gonna smother everyone with love :) Like I do to Angela hehehee. And Kevin, because he called me his Worst Enemy around the time we first met. But now I'm his worst Enemy, because I'm always obnoxiously nice to him, like "HI BUDDY!" and "HOW ARE YOU, BEST FRIEND?" :) I'm the worst Enemy ever, hehehehe.

Just thinking about stuff, I guess. Even though I have no time to contemplate life any more.
SAT Subjects are on Saturday... I can't do this anymore. I can't study/work all day, all night anymore. After homework, extra curriculars, scholarships and errands/cooking...I'm dead. I'll be happy if I get a 600 on anything. T_T

HD Camera

We were deciding our service learning project yesterday. Amara brought up the topic of making a documentary about bullying at school, but no one wanted to do bullying...or a documentary. I've actually been toying with the idea of making a documentary for a couple years now. I know how to edit videos and stuff on Sony Vegas Pro. I just need an HD camcorder. So I might buy myself that for my 18th birthday/yay i'm done with college apps present :) The issue I'm thinking about doing right now is homelessness. I could interview homeless people and all of that...but I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to go up to homeless people and ask to talk to them.

I'm sure other ideas will come about. I'll add "make a documentary" to my life goals :)

To the 12th Grade Me.

Have fun.
Enjoy what's left of high school.
But still try your best.
Push yourself to do the things you love, while pushing yourself to study hard.
It will all pay off in the end.
But most importantly of all: where ever you end up...make it your mindset to love it there.
Don't worry too much about the finances >.<"

Stop pretending,

to be someone you're not.

MTV.

It's not that I think I'm too good for you. Don't take it the wrong way. I'm not enough.

Everythig happens for a reason.

I lost my 4gb USB today :(
I keep losing things.
I retraced my steps and asked all the lost-and-founds at UCSD Geisel, PC and BML, but no luck.

But! I started using Google docs :D
It's so awesome. And better than using a USB because I'll never use any of my documents. Unless Google shuts down, but that's unlikely as it's becoming a monopoly lolol.
I was sad. But now I'm happy ^_^

Breaking Dawn, Part 1

"Being any kind of happy is better than being miserable."
I disagree. I think being miserable is better than being fake happy.
But I also disagree with Jacob...imprinting doesn't necessarily have to be the fake kind of happy. The werewolves just found their soul mate instinctively, instead of having to go through the process of trial and error :)

Politics.

 

I despise it -_-
Articles and videos treating protesters like they're less than human. Using cruel and unusual punishment (amendment....) on protesters, like dousing them with pepper spray and then having Congress declare it "healthy for the protesters", because pepper spray is a vegetable -______-" Just take money away from "defense", the army, welfare (because we know people abuse the shit outta that program anyway), the 1%, and everybody stfu. Why do people gotta be haters and cause controversy. I understand the issue when it comes to immigration and marijuana, because it affects everyone in different ways. But abortion and gay rights? Let people make their own decisions, live their own lives, and do whatever they want. Heh. I guess if I had to categorize myself, I'd be a liberal. But I think after this rant, I'm just gonna stay out of politics. It's kind of obvious that the majority feel that the government isn't doing its job. Let's all become communists hohoho just kidding. My parents ran away from that type of gov., too.

Politics, in every way and every division, is corrupt.
 People who are in power, abuse their power to some degree. It's human nature. There's no way around it. That's why I didn't like ASB and never applied to be in it again, after spending my entire sophomore year in that class.
Sigh. Can't we all just get along?

I can't have you.

And I'm completely fine with that ^_^

ahmahgahhh so much work to do. I don't even know where to start. Arthur say to start with the hardest thing...but...they're all so hard @_@
college supplements and studying for the math II SAT...it raped my ass last time T_T sighhhhh

Secrets on Violin and Cello
and Clara Chan

Fireworks on Viola

by the time I die, I'll learn to play:

• uke
• cello
• viola
• saxaphone
• drums

but for now...I'll try to do better at

• violin
• piano
• guitar

I want to be able to play that well, ahhhh these asians are so amazing~ :P lol

My brother.

Just a typical conversation between us:

xxdistantdawnxx: ohhh when are you coming back from sai gon?
xxdistantdawnxx: i shall have a job for you, hohoho
Dai VY: do your hw?
Dai VY: Monday like always
Dai VY: back to work baby
Dai VY: I go now
Dai VY: just leave msg
Dai VY is typing...
Dai VY: or offline msg
xxdistantdawnxx: okiedokie
xxdistantdawnxx: have fun
xxdistantdawnxx: dont get AIDS
xxdistantdawnxx: lalala
xxdistantdawnxx: or children! thats the worst thing you can possibly get !
xxdistantdawnxx: okay, bye.

DISCLAIMER: He's never ever done my homework. I'm just gonna ask him to do mindless tasks like email colleges for me and ask them all the same questions. Hehehehe :P

Katy Perry

"In another life

I would be your girl

We keep all our promises

Be us against the world

In another life

I would make you stay

So I don't have to say

You were the one that got away

The one that got away"

I just wish you'd stop trying to talk to me. I can't be mean to you, no matter how hard I try. But I'm kind of grateful for the amount of work that senior year as bestowed upon me. I can't help but to avoid you, or ignore you, because I just simply don't have the time to waste. So I guess that's one positive light in this dark abyss I've been living in.

Submitted my UC application today ^_^

My personal statements aren't very strong. I'm still very insecure about them, but I'm going to revise them. I submitted Early Action to SMU, and the Common App locked in all my answers. So I can't change anything anymore :( But there's another problem. I entered in the wrong birth day for myself >< I put the day in for the month and the month in for the date. Yeah, stupid, right? So after I scolded myself for being so idiotic, I emailed the Common App techs and they said they can't do anything about it, but suggested I make another account. So I made another Common App account with the RIGHT birthday, a different variation of my name, and a different email address, and am in the process of transferring all my information. This is like doing it...all...over...again. 

I see what you're trying to do.

CLICK ON THE PICTURE!

I want to say that mission "Turning Tables" worked. But I don't want to get ahead of myself :)
Acceptance stage, hurry up.

Take that person away. Go ahead, because it's actually helping me.

Nicki Minaj

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise

I have to go drive Angela to her SDYouthSymphony concert at 2. From City Heights to Escondido -_- It can't be helped, I guess. She has no other ride. Agliam said it's gonna be like $10-20 in gas $$, and I'm not gonna make Angela pay that much. My dad's gonna be so mad when I come back with the tank empty, sigh. So drive her there at 3. Wait and drive her home at 7pm. Why am I waiting there? I don't even know. I think I agreed to be one of her viewers.
I detest driving.
But Arthur agreed to come and keep me company ^_^
I love my dad hehehe. I just hope he doesn't get too too bored while I'm doing homework. I usually push people away. Let's see how this goes, for a change. Lol

I have 2 more hours before I have to go. Must finish ap gov and ap chem homework first. LEGGO.

Rain On Me.

I dyed my  hair twice this weekend. My goal was dirty blond, or at least light brown... The first box was blond. It didn't work. The second box was medium brown. So now my hair's dark brown. I refuse to straight out bleach it, though. Too much chemical yuckiness to use all over my head.

It's 4 am and I'm up writing my supplement to Brown. This whole college application process tires me out. But it's worth it. Not because of where I'm going to end up, but what I'm learning about myself in the process. 


I've been thinking about robotics. I want us to win so bad. Chairmans. And robot. That's why I'm learning to program (and also because I've been wanting to for years, and this will be my last chance). That's why I'm going to do all that I can for the team. That's why I'm going to be on people's ass about doing their job, even though I'm not an officer anymore. I don't care if I'm not. This is my fourth year on the team and I'm not going to standby while the team falls apart/get worse...again.

P.S. I'm not going to bother him any more. I'm not going to waste my time thinking about him anymore. I honestly have more serious matters to attend to. And it's just not worth it, anymore. I've done my job to myself. I've talked myself out of feeling. Yay, me.

Crazy, Stupid, Love.

Trust is stupid. Love is stupid. I'm stupid to still have hope in those things, even after all the previous shit. I wish I could just ice over my heart. You know what, maybe I'll become a chemist and figure out how to do that. Yup. The world will thank me once all the pain/suffering/heartbreaks disappear. As well as all the love. But I think that's a pretty fair trade.

I'm sorry that I can't be like her. I just can't. I'm sorry that I'm not good enough for you. I'm sorry that I don't make your world amazing and wonderful like she does/did. I'm sorry I'm not as talented or inspiring or beautiful, inside and out, as she is. But I can promise you that I will love you more than she ever will. Isn't that enough?

No. Because at this point, we both deserve better. I know I deserve someone who will love only me. Moreover, I don't even want to think of the possibility that I might be enough for you. Because then what happens when we fall apart, as all relationships do, eventually and one way or another? I don't think I can bare to take that sort of pain...again. And so I will continue "acting". I'll avoid you at every turn, in hopes that these feelings go away. But I doubt they will. They haven't gone away for years.

I have this tendency to encourage guys I like to go after other girls. Or to pretend I don't like guys I actually do like. Like to the point where I don't talk to them and they really do think I don't like them. Heh. I should start adopting cats now, because I'm going to have to somehow end up with 99 by the time I'm 65, retired and still single :')

Amateur Acting.

We got our critics from the Great Gatsby play back today. People in Drama said I'm a good actress.
And that was probably the first acting experience I've ever had.
Maybe it's because I've been acting every day of my life.
Because I've been pretending, fronting and hiding behind this facade of apathy (or what I aim to portray as an uncaring demeanor) for so long, that I've just gotten used to being fake.
Don't judge me. We all do it. I'm just trying to find myself and change, for the better.

Gilbert said I act like I'm better than everyone else, after just one day of meeting me. When I asked Sharon, one of the few people in the world who knows me really well, if that was true, she said yes. But she attempted to make this sound like it's not thaaat bad of a thing by saying that she understands how I am and how I go off into my own little world, with little care of what happens around me. I know I ignore a lot of outside "noise", but I had no idea that resulted in giving off such an ugly impression. I pretend that the person I like isn't there, even when they are the only thing I notice. I pretend not to care about hurtful things. It's just my defense mechanism. My "snobbishness" is just another personal characteristic I need to work on, I guess.

Daddy's Little Girl.

Today in the car ride home, my dad brought up the idea of me becoming a medical assistant to get experience in the medical field. Then he said he asked his doctor friends if I could work in their office. Then he brought up the idea of pharmacy school. I'M STRESSED ENOUGH AS IS trying to get into undergraduate school. I'm stressed enough worrying about HOW I'M GOING TO PAY for college, because I am adamant about paying my own way. I would rather take on a job at McDonalds and pay off my 60,000 loan, than have my dad slave away to pay for my college education, the house, and his own college education (yes, he's going after his bachelors, at 55 years old. gotta give the dude some credit).
He is constantly pushing his ideas onto his wife (and my mother is the sort of traditional woman to just take it), my brother (who moved half way across the world to get away from my dad's ideologies) and myself (who is constantly trying to break away to do something/anything that I LOVE, rather than what my father thinks is going to bring in the most stable money). So I got fed up and just said "I will decide what I want to do with my life. You can not tell me what to do."
And all he said was.... "Good luck." :( :( :(
I understand how controlling my dad is and I know that I have to accept it because he's stubborn and will not change his fundamental ways. But I wish that I could get SOME kind of support for the things that I'm passionate about. He's never been to a robotics event. He's never ever everrrrrrrr been to a Volleyball game. He's been to maybe one award ceremony, to the point where I don't even go to those any more because there's just no point.
Yes, he pays for everything I own, use, want, eat, blah. But I'm not even that bad. My brother spends hundreds of dollars at the club (of Dad's money, not his own, and he HAS a job). Sigh. And I even feel bad for wishing for better parents, because I know all that he has done and sacrificed for me. I guess all I can take away from this is that I will be the greatest, most loving, coolest yet tough loving mom in. the. world.

*This is why I relate to this night's Glee episode so much. The asian dad said "Stop dancing. Be a doctor. If you don't quit the school musical, you are not my son anymore." And the asian teen dancer said "I'm not going to be a doctor. I'm going to be a professional dancer. Then I guess I don't have a dad anymore." I applaud him for standing up for his own life. Family comes first, always. But I have to put my own interests before my father's, because in the end...it's me that's going to be miserable doing something HE wanted me to do, while he is no longer on this Earth.

hello november. hello cold and rainy nights. hello fall.

"waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought"
hey boy, it's raining. take a frickin hint. :P
_________________________________________________________________________
when you gave me that rose, i felt nothing.

and that's how i knew whatever illusions i had about my feelings, and about us, were just that--illusions.

I took a 4 hour nap after the SATs -___- Glad that that's over. I literally tried my best, up to studying right outside the doors as I waited to walk into the testing room. That level of procrastination isn't something I'm proud of, but I had so much going on in the past month in terms of Volleyball, scholarships and UC apps that I just died :P

Was gonna run at least 2 miles, but I'm lazy. Hohohooo.
Running club and external motivation (in the form of Thomas Armstrong and Dr. Weber), here I come...That's so bad, I should be able to motivate myself. Okay, enough nonsense. Time for homework....was this post necessary? Not really, heh.

this, you, me, her; we're kind of like the sound of the violin bow screeching against the strings when I press down too hard. this situation is like my violin playing. horrible, tedious and hopeless. okay, my violin skills aren't that bad. but we are.

it's like i'm strapping  myself to the train tracks and envisioning the trainwreck to happen in my head, and i known it's coming, but i'm not moving out of the way. why do you have this effect on me? why am i allowing myself to be affected? not meant to be. can't. must give up.

Volleyball

 

 

Our last game was today. It feels so weird, to be seniors and to be the ones receiving the bouquet from coach and have all that pressure to do my best because I know that it's my last game, probably ever, because I'm no where good enough to play college volleyball.

It's sad, not because we lost, but because I reflected on everything after the game and it hit me that Volleyball meant so much to me. I tried hard to be good. But being on the team also taught me so much more. It taught me to be more responsible, by telling coach whenever I needed to miss a practice or a game because of other commitments. It taught me to strive to do better. It taught me how to work with other people. I'm so thankful we had such a great captain this year, because Kara's worth ethic truly inspires me. I got really mad during the second game because I made so many mistakes (this was the first time I got so down on myself, ever) and I guess coach saw that, and she had a little talk with me before the third game, and I almost cried. Being a girl sucks. But seeing coach tear up and say her little speech at the end of the game made me really sad, too. Because she DID watch all of us grow. It must be so amazing and rewarding to be a teacher.

This entire experience has helped me become a better person, and I wish I had taken it even more seriously and tried even harder. I could sit here and regret what could've been done, or I could put my efforts into post-season, to ensure that the team is better next year. That's how I can give back.

And I blocked, FINALLY. It was kind of a fail block because the fall slipped past my fingers, but it took my short ass 4 years to do that -___- lol