I'm beginning to think you're not that great of a person, that you're just like me in the sense that you're trying to be a good person. But, and I don't know if this is even worse, you don't do it for the right reasons. Are you doing it because you want to seem nice? Because you want to go to heaven? How many of us actually are who we say we are? Or are we just pretending? How many of us will instinctively help out someone in need, regardless of the retribution? How many of us act a certain way (whether it is to seem cool, to seem smart, to seem like a great person) just to try to make someone else like us?
You've been hanging out with him too much. Or maybe I never really knew you at all. But I remember the days when were you actually pure and innocent. I remember, because I was, too. But now, when people get older and wiser, we all become so...corrupted, in a sense. I miss those childhood days. Riddled with confusion and bad decisions (because we didn't know what was a bad decision) as they were. Because those old days were ones of unintentional deeds, good and bad.
AND you are so freaking blind.
We are all so hypocritical. I think society makes us all hypocritical. It's considered impolite to lie. But we tell white lies all the time to not hurt someone else's feelings. Preachers talk about loving other people, but I bet they have grudges against some people. The church talks about loving everyone, but people (from the Crusades to the current anti-gay marriage activists) have been using their religion as a justification for...basically, hate. I'm going to leave this topic, because the Bible is so contradictory (with itself!) that I don't even want to touch upon in this, already, relatively lengthy blog. Doctors are supposed to be the great people who are helping everyone. But all I hear are stories about pre-medical students being cut throat and competitive in college, a point where they don't help others and they sabotage other people's labs. I wouldn't want that type of doctor to take care of me. I want someone who genuinely cares about other people. I just get tired of society some times, and I retreat to my books, my piano/any sort of music, really, and mindless television shows, to get away from this world that is supposedly SO progressive. We're making technological advances, but television is taking away from our family bonding times. We're making genetically engineered foods...that are harmful for us. We're using chemicals in make up and other skincare products that espouses that they will help your body...but they contain chemicals that can cause cancer. What's the sense in this world? I've admitted it (to Linda Lam, only) that I've realized that I'm the biggest hypocrite in the world. At least I'm honest and I don't try to pretend otherwise. I'm sexist. I hit guys all the time, but expect them not to hit me back. I'm a horrible person, yeah, yeah, yeah. I tell everyone to follow their dreams, no matter what their parents say, but how am I living up to my own advice? How am I following my dreams, and not my father's?
Sigh. I'm just looking for a (real life) role model. Some sort of example of what to do. Some one to give me guidance (and I refuse to "follow" someone I can't talk to). But I guess a good person IS impossible to find in this world. That's why people need to "believe" so much in someone who is "perfect". Since my brother kinda left my life, and since my parents are shit at parenting, I've had to figure out everything on my own. It's getting tiring.
I'm watching a movie, and the actor said "sure as hell". Then it hit me. That's so freaking stupid. Hell ISN'T sure. We don't have PROOF that it exists. NO ONE knows what happens after we die. Hell, for all we know, could be a made up place, like Atlantis.