To be a Jumbo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4EjqJf-SFo

Or to go to Mudd, push myself through 4 years of rigorous science coursework, to find that I might not even want to be an engineer for the rest of my life, and be a Compass?

Busy busy busy bee

I'm taking a mental break by going online tonight. Every day for the past week has had to do with Airband for me. Practices after school, after after school into midnight, and over the weekends. I spent all of last night with Michelle and Brian making the spaceship for the senior act. This better turn out good. . .

Why am I dedicating my time to this? Airband is nothing. It won't be anything in two weeks, when it's over. And even if it fails, it won't affect me in anyway. Except I like organizing stuff and making sure stuff works out. I want our senior act to be amazing, even if it feels like only 10 other people out of the entire senior class gives a poop.

So tired. I just got a job. AP testing is coming up. Finals and senior exhibition are coming up after that. And after Airband...there's just Prom and Graduation that are important to me. Everything's going to go by so fast and Ms. Boquiren is right, I need to slow down and enjoy what's left of my high school life. I know I'm going to miss it, and I'm going to regret letting everything pass by because I'm too busy working or doing homework or applying to scholarships or a second summer job or doing interviews. . . but. . . these things are necessary. Sigh. Time management skills, I hope you kick in soon.

I haven't worked out in about two weeks, but my body feels so tired because I'm dancing and just simply being up too much. All nighters.......in the last couple months of senior...doesn't feel right. But I WILL pass the AP Chem test even if it kills me.

And I have a C in Government. How is that even possible. Even if I have 0% in participation (the substitute barely gave out any, I mean, Ms. Kovacic wasn't in class for like, half of the first semester and we don't even do passwords anymore). I either ace or get Bs on my notebook or tests. There's no way my grade should be a B. Kovacic has it out for me. Sigh. For internship, I wanted an internship that pertained to engineering, and I specified that because I told her I want to go into engineering. But no, she gave me like, my 5th choice. And she gave Dean the internship that I wanted with CalIT2, even though he didn't even rank it. Sigh. It's okay. All this won't matter in the long run.

I'm just so tired. And being hit with so many stuff from every direction. I wonder when my breaking point will be. I'm so weak. I can't even handle high school, how am I supposed to handle working two jobs throughout college to pay for it? Come on, Trang. Buck up.

Revelation

I can work at the AMC at night, because that's when it's the most popular, and at SeaWorld in the morning, because that's when it's the most popular, over the summer, to pay for college :D I don't know how weekends will work out, though. Hrmmmmmmm.

Aye, the limitations of human mind.

I grew up with computers and a bunch of technology. I thought that anything was possible. But the limitations of will...human physical capabilities and mental capabilities...sigh.

No matter how hard I work or how hard I try...it's not enough. I'm afraid it won't ever be enough.

Channing Tatum

No soy muy inteligente...

I mean, no soy inteligente como otras personas...asi, no puedo ser un ingeniero.

Tengo sueno. Quiero dormir para el resto de mi vida.

Having crazy smart mentors have made me realize that. Goodnight.

Training Wheels

My dad taught me to ride a bike today :) After I've driven a car for a while and 2 months before my 18th birthday. Lol. Long overdue, but still cool. He was surprised that I kinda already knew how.
So now onto a real bike.....he bought a little bike for me. But now I've graduated! But he still won't let me bike in the streets -______- I guess I'll wait for a bigger bike so it doesn't look so embarrassing. But still. -__-

I idealize

and fantasize
and romanticize
but I know that I'm wrong to do that
Here's to a new beginning~

I'm so awk. :) Hehe

I feel your heartbeat~

"I'm tryin' to put it all back together.
I've got a story and I'm tryin' to tell it right.
I've got the kerosene and the desire.
I'm trying to start a flame in the heart of the night
Oh you gotta fire and it's burnin' in the rain.
Thought that it went out, but it's burnin' just the same.
And you don't look back, not for anything."

I do feel better,

after articulating my feelings in a blog :)

While I never thought for a moment that life WON'T go on, I think I can  handle things. But I am sooo not going to school on Monday. And I schedule my dental appointment for a time that would require me to get out of Block 2 government. Not avoidance. Just restraint. I'm happy now, but still violent as ever. I'd love to beat her up -__- I wanna see how she fends without her glare and manipulative words. Strength and determination can only go so far. But I've got the crazy violence to stand a chance.

My kick boxing membership kicks in in a few weeks. I would go day dream about hurting her, but nah, I'm not gonna stress over putting down other people like she does. Lalala.

3am scholarship time wheeeeeeeeeeee

Blogging

is supposed to release stress, right? Writing a letter to someone and never sending it is supposed to make you feel better, right?

I hope I can leave all of this behind me, move on, and never think about this again.
Disclaimers to anyone who reads my rants...
1) You don't have to if you don't want to.
2) If you're sitting there thinking of how bad of a person I am, and hating me as much as I hate Kovacic, and judging me.......what makes you better than me?

I'll make a follow up post later to reflect on everything. But for now, I'll concentrate on things that really matter: like scholarships, robotics, grades (in every class but government, because I have no motivation to do well in a class taught by such an imbecile) and learning to be a better person on my own terms, not hers. I'll smile when I want to and feel like it, not when she's putting me down for not smiling while she's yelling at me. And she yells without raising her voice. Rwarrrrrrrrr //end rant.

"Everybody has a dark side; do you love me? Can you love mine?"

Kelly Kovacic. Daughter of the mayor of Arcadia. Government teacher. One of the final four for the National Teacher Award. Teacher at the Preuss School UCSD. National Honors Society advisor. Total oadshfoahsdf.

I don't  understand why she blames me for everything. I'm one of the officers, fine. I'm an officer in the Group B, the group that's running the canned food drive right now. Fine. But she gave me an hour lecture. She put everything on me. She called me out in front of every NHS member. She told me to resign from my position because she said I'm not capable. Really? Well, if she does do something, I'm not going down without a fight.  I'm tired of standing there listening to her put me down and not being able to do anything about it.

I talked to some people and teachers about it and they all say "sorry you had to go through that", but I don't know what to do from here. I won't go into the borderline criminal things I would LIKE to do to her, and instead focus on what I SHOULD do. I don't understand why she had to pick on me. Group A officers totally shirked their Battle of the Batteries event, putting the weight totally on the other officers. Why isn't she blaming them?

E's right, she needs to get laid. Reeeeeeeeeal badly. And even if there is the slightest chance that someone is already doing it; they're not doing a very good job.

She doesn't care about NHS. It's not even on her list of jobs that she has. She's probably only the advisor so that she can put it on her national teacher resume. Ugh. She disgusts me. She tells people to email her if they're going to be absent so that she can excuse them and let them make up the reading quiz. But when someone is absent too many times (for good reasons, like a tournament or college visits), she claims that the rule doesn't apply anymore. Even though her syllabus says that the rule stands. She gives people an entire letter grade lower because SHE forgot to input a big grade, even though they have proof from turnitin.com that they submitted it on time. Incompetent. Don't assign a shit load of work that YOU can't even keep up with. Stupid bitch. She doesn't care about anyone. For the NHS scholarship, she deliberately kept me in the dark about it and didn't send the notification to only me. I still knew about it and gave her a folder. Yet she told all the other candidates who applied that she completed the rec and to finish their application. Except me. So I had no idea if she finished her part so I scrambled to get my part done anyway. If she didn't want to write that stupid rec for me (and I had no choice but to ask her because it HAD to be the NHS advisor), she shoulda said so. Who's not living up to their responsibilities now, Kelly? She never told us about the conditions on the canned food drive that the principle set, even though she should have gotten the approval sheet back from administration. And the principle told us himself and now we have to change the process we previously agreed on. Who's failing, Kelly? And she had the audacity to blame me. The worst kind of leader = a person who pretends to be a leader while they use sweet words and never apologize for their own mistakes. She's more like a tyrant than a teacher.

She threatens us with "you guys disappoint me" and "you're supposed to be a leader" (without teaching like she's supposed to, she just gives me a goal, a threat--a long threat at that--and makes me go on my way). She says "oh, what makes you think you can wear the gold sash at graduation" fine, bitch, I won't wear it. She's always a bitch, mean, politically correct and fake. Her smiles are all fake and her laugh is always "polite" at best. I hate fake people. I hate people who skirt around the issue and phrase things nicely, even though their true meaning is disgusting. Kovacic is such a fake. Always putting people down for making the slightest mistake. So many people hate her but we can't do anything. How has she become such a powerful figure at Preuss? She even coerced the other teachers into giving less homework BECAUSE she's giving so much that they feel bad for us. I don't care about her class. If she gives me one of those voting registration forms, I'm just gonna tear them up and throw them in the trash.

She said if I was in the group that was planning the event, shouldn't I be excited? the fuck, who the fuck is she to tell me how I should act? I'm not an excited person by birth. Don't fucking tell me when to smile. For someone who teaches that free speech and freedom to petition is a fundamental law, she sure is good at suppressing freedom. Hypocrite.

I'm 17 years old. I'm still learning. I've made mistakes. I'll change and grow at my own pace. What's her excuse, Ms. I graduated from Stanford?

Black Bird Tattoos

I want a medium sized tattoo across my midback with black birds (sparrows?) flying across it and the words "create yourself" flying with them.

or i want the birds on my hip, starting from a bird with its wings folded in, spreading its wings, then taking full flight around my rib cage

Body art, yummy. I think tattoos are sooo incredibly sexy, if done thoughtfully. It should be meaningful but at the same time, it shouldn't be obviously visible, too colorful or cover too much skin.

I'm never getting one across my lower back. Too skanky, overdone, and I might want an epidural in the future. Lol.

Of course,

you still sends my heart beating like an 808 drum every time. I'm stupid.
(Hahha Ke$ha reference.)

Haven't had much to blog about lately. Life's just a drag, one day at a time.
My state of mind needs to change.

Take me down like I'm a domino.

I admit it, I'm totally into mainstream/upbeat/catchy songs. I've fallen for the propaganda of the media and the radio broadcasting companies. Arrest me :P

Big head, small brain.

Ricardo does all the problem solving in programming -___- I can barely keep up with what they're talking about. It's like, it takes me twice as long to reach the same conclusion as everyone else does. When they speak programming language, it's like they're speaking Latin. Every word passes over my head and out the door. This is soo hardddd. But at least *we* (and I use this *we* in the loosest term possible...) got the robot to be able to zone in on the reflective tape around the basketball hoops and to calculate the distance between it and the hoop. Now we're working on figuring out the angle of the robot relative to the back board if the camera is not perfectly perpendicular to the back board. Head. Swimming. Because. Math. Is. Hard.

I have a big head. But a small brain :( I think that my skull takes up like half the space in there. Maybe that's why I'm so hard-headed and stubborn. :( Like I said in programming today... "I apologize for my..........small brain." And I paused for a long ass time trying to find a nice way of putting it. My slow ass. :( But I am not giving up! There's 3.5 more weeks to build season and I WILL FIGURE THIS OUT RAWRRRRRRRRRR.

Bestfriend

"No! No. No. No. NO." was what Amaris said when I asked her if I should give a certain boy a chance. She knows him too, so I asked her for her opinion. "He doesn't go to college. And I think that you need an intellectual guy."

Haha. She realizes things about me that I haven't even seen yet. She's right. Him and I are in two different worlds. Nothing arrogant or anything like that. I just honestly think that we wouldn't have anything to talk about, after the "ahmahgahhwe'retogetherwheeeelet'sflirtandblahblahblah" stage is over.

I'm sad that we get on each other's nerves a lot (Amaris and I) D: We're both busy and stressed. But that shouldn't be a reason? We've always been harsh on each other. I don't know why. But maybe the reason that I'm so mean to her IS precisely because we're so close that I don't have to put on a fake smile as much as I do when conversing with other people. Lalala. Just a reflection on today.

And fucking 7th grade boys. I tutor them in Life Science and OH MY GOD all they talk about are dicks and vaginas and shit like that. They can't concentrate on their work. It's like that's ALL THEY THINK ABOUT. Ugh! I want to be a teacher, but I need to be a college professor. But that means lots of accomplishments and degrees under my belt before I can teach at that level. Sigh.

I think too much.

Life's too short to keep thinking so much and playing it safe. I'll fuck up now so that when I'm older, I won't have regrets. Who's to say that I'll even HAVE an older self? Who's to say I'll even live that long? It's not like I'm gonna go ruin my life. Just have fun. My mindset needs to change. To be more flexible. So leggo.

“The numbness of his loss had passed, and the pain would hit me out of nowhere, doubling me over, racking my body with sobs. Where are you? I would cry out in my mind. Where have you gone? Of course, there was never any answer.” 
― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

Ditto, kid.

“I remember everything about you, you’re the one who wasn’t paying attention.” 
― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games