“My nightmares are usually about losing you. I'm okay once I realize you're here.”

Peeta said as he holds her close.

*Edit:
I want someone who's been my friend for a while.
I want to be comfortable with them first.
The dating game is a bullshit process
Made up by people who want instant gratification
Who want someone just to fill up the silence
Not to find that special someone
Well, I'm willing to wait.

But maybe my waiting game is played out, too
Because nothing is happening
I'm too shy to do anything
And the guy I like will most likely be too
(Because I dislike guys who are too upfront
About their intentions. Such a turn off.)
My subconscious can dream about him all it wants
(I think I had two dreams about him last night.
But I slept for a long time.)
And I can daydream about our first kiss all I want.

But nothing will happen.
And nothing will ever happen.
And so, there we go.
The cycle will go on, until I'm too tired to live any more.

Courses of Study

Majors:
Engineering
Biochem
Chem engineering

Minors:
English-Creative Writing
Ethnic Studies
Gender Studies
Religious Studies
Business Management

I'm interested in too many things

The most dangerous ones are the ones that have nothing left to lose.

"I want to tell him that he's not being fair. That we were strangers. That I did what it took to stay alive, to keep us both alive in the arena. That I can't explain how things are with Gale because I don't know myself. That it's no good loving me because I'm never going to get married anyway and he'd just end up hating me later instead of sooner. That if I do have feelings for him, it doesn't matter because I'll never be able to afford the kind of love that leads to a family, to children. And how can he? How can he after what we've just been through?
I also want to tell him how I much I already miss him. But that wouldn't be fair on my part.
So we just stand there silently, watching our grimy little station rise up around us."

Story of my life. Well, aside from the whole Hunger Games part. I really wish I could do something like that, though. I like living in my own little world. I like my dreams, where I'm the strong heroine in the story instead of the little girl lost in life and lost in love. I like when there's only one main girl and one main guy. And they inevitably hopelessly fall in love. I hate this dating system thing we have going on.

I don't care if I'm fat, as long as I'm not killing myself with certain foods.

Top 10 Worst Foods - Nutrition by Natalie

This isn't the best stand still pic, lol.
Hot dogs = mystery meat. Potato chips = yeuch.
Potato chips and french fries = lots of carcinogen = cancer @_@
Common junk food can lead to cancer. Jeez.

Chips or soda or cookies once in a while is fine...but eating it on a daily basis is bad... So apparently, fast foods have preservatives that don't decompose. No wonder all those buckets of McDonald french fries and huge bags of potato chips I ate as a child made me so miserable.
My dad's a nurse. Why didn't he tell me not to eat those things :( :( :(
I don't feel so good.

MUST START RUNNING AGAIN. UGH!

I hate being so out of shape. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I hate getting out of breath after just doing a lap around the field at school (which is only 1/6 of a mile!!!!). I hate feeling like I'm going to throw up. The only thing I like about being out of shape is that when I DO exercise, I end up being super sore afterwards. The soreness makes me feel as if I actually accomplished something. But compared with the old me who ran ten miles every week? This is just pathetic. I can picture my muscles withering to little tissues, just waiting to be revived. I can picture all the fat issues growing on top of them, overpowering them, pushing them out of existence.

I ate three cookies for breakfast. What the hell is wrong with me? Ugh! I need to stop baking. Either that, or cook and make my friends eat them so I don't end up eating everything. -___- And my parents don't end up eating everything, because it's bad for them, with all their health issues.

I hate how lazy I am.
So why don't you change it (mocking voice).
Okay, I will!

Disclaimer: heh, see how weird I am, talking to myself.

"In life, you don't find yourself. You create yourself."

I kind of regret pushing people away all of these years. Now, halfway through my senior year...all I can think is that: I WISH I had made an effort to mend that rift. I WISH I had made more of an effort to show my very best friends I care about them. But all I can do now is make the best of what's left. After graduation, all I can do is try to keep in touch with people and life will play on from there. 

But I guess I had to go through all this personal conflict and self aggravation, in order to transcend every teaching my parents have ever bestowed upon me. I'm still working on opening up to others, so that they don't misunderstand my intentions, and pealing away this mask that I hold in front of my face every second of the day. (Well, except when I'm with my close friends who I tell every minute, embarrassing, self defacing detail to.) 

Life is a working progress.

Lyric Videos,

is it just me, or are these the new things? Instead of ghetto lyric videos that fans make on YouTube, the singers are actually making lyric videos.

Cold Play is so good. Their videos are always really cool, but this is my favorite video:

Winter Break's over. Here's to the longest 6 months of my life~ We just be let out of school as soon as college apps are over T_T But I guess I'd be as unproductive and miserable as I was over break. (Well, not miserable, but bored out of my mind.)

B-e-a-utiful

I usually don't like original songs done by youtube cover singers. But this one is actually good xD

I wanna be blown away
I wanna be swept off my feet
I wanna meet the one who makes it hard for me to breathe
I wanna be lost in love
I wanna be your dream come true
I wanna be scared of how strong I feel for you
Just call me beautiful, Call me beautiful
Call me beautiful, Call me b-e-a-utiful

Prechorus 2
Cuz she's with him, I'm still hurting
Try to pretend but it's not working
I just wanna be where they are

Bridge
My heart is waiting for your love
My hand is waiting for your touch
My lips just wanna be kissed by you

"Only silence, as it's ending. Like we never had a chance."

Happy New Years :)
Here's to better decisions, a smarter, more confident, more relaxed me.
Luan Legacy reminded me something about it being a Vietnamese superstition to clean your room on the first day of the new year. I'm pretty sure they go by the Asian calendar, though. So I'll procrastinate--I mean, do it when it's Chinese New Year :)
I'm pretty content as I sit here with my Strawberry Shortcake yogurt and cup of warm hot chocolate, writing my essays for scholarships. So many essays. Is this how 2012 is going to be like? Whatever. As long as I go to college without taking out unsubsidized loans :P

As the smoke clears, I awaken and untangle you from me. Would it make you feel better to watch me while I bleed?...You can take everything I have. You can break everything I am, like I'm made of glass, like I'm made of paper. Go on and try to tear me down, I will rising from the ground like a skyscaper. Yeah, it's a long way down. But I'm closer to the clouds up here.

Ah, Demi. Damn, girl.
This reminds me of a song I would have listened to in my depressed state. Some time ago :P
But it's time to stop blaming you for everything that went wrong after you came along.
It's time to put the responsibility on me, and no one else but me. I make my own choices, I make my own mistakes. It's my fault.

Cooking and Baking

There are so many cups of melted butter and fat in those cookies I made. So many cups of sugar. All those tablespoons of oil and salt in the dishes that I made. Why the hell did I start cooking -__- This is so bad now that I know what's in what I'm eating. My stomach is enormous, yikes. All that working out a few months ago, wasted. Now I need to start again, sigh.

Why, oh why, did Eric shave all that delicious hair off his head? The "flip"! The smooth, conditioned hotness. Why does such a hottie have to play such a dumb role on television. Oh, if only he was truly perfect. I'd finally have a celebrity crush? Hahaha.

Anyway, I have a couple days of break left. Must hang out with people, must get all my homework done, must send out business letters on behalf of robotics, and most of all....must get my sleeping schedule back in order. :) Good night!

Jeanette Wright: 2011 California Beat the Odds Scholarship Recipient

This is Jeanette Wright. She, along with all the other Beat the Odds recipients and all the other students like her, are amazing and inspirational. She gives me hope that the future of the world isn't SO bleak. I just wish that people like her were ruling the world and going to Ivy Leagues and etc.
It's one thing to watch these videos of other kids, but it's another to actually know them. We didn't really get to know each other much while at APYLP, but I'm just glad that I had the opportunity to meet her. I wanna watch these people become GREAT :)

Musical Theater?

Classic. Lovelovelove.

Guys who can sing are so sexy. This never gets old :)

Boy Meets World.

I miss watching this with my brother in the good old days. The little sisters in this show are always protected and loved by their older brothers ^___^ I'm so lucky I have a great older brother.

I should have taken more life lessons from this show. But then I didn't have this kind of insight years ago. The boys drop a couple compliments, and the girls fawn over them. How guys are dumb and blahhhhh. So many life mistakes.

Literature.

J.K. Rowling...worth billions of dollars and has created the most intricately thought out fictional series in the world. Stephanie Meyers...people say she can't write, but I've learned to appreciate her simplistic style of story telling. Toni Morrison makes weaving social, sexual, racial and economic inequalities together seem...easy.

"The average person has a total of 3 careers (not jobs, careers) throughout their entire life."
Excuse me for trying to plan out my entire future (to the day I want to be euphanized at age...70ish because I would rather die than be cooped up in a nursing home). So I'll take a degree in something interesting, but stable, and minor in Literature. Then I'll do what my major is, then retire after 10 years and be a teacher. Then retire early as a teacher and write, write, write, read, read, read :) Maybe start a business or go back to school to get a business administration degree somewhere along the road.

Wheeeeeeeeee. I feel calmer now.

Potential.

I have so much of it. I know I do. I know I can do anything if I devote a lot of time, will power and energy into doing it (if I had the time...and self motivation :P). But the most frustrating thing is that I have no idea what I want to do with my potential or skills. Medicine? Engineering? Business Administration? I'm interested in all of those things. But what will make me happiest? What will allow me to have time to always be there for my kids, in the future? Why do I think so much. Ms. Boquiren is right. I need to stop trying to plan out every detail of my future and just let life happen.

But graduating in 4 years is a must. I dont have the money to stay in school for ever -___-

Take a dive.

A boy is definitely not worth ruining a friendship for. If that friendship is breakable by a single person, then that friendship was never that strong, anyway. No matter how great he may be, the significant other will never be as great as a true friend. A friend will be there for you until you're 80. A boy might be there until next week. And a man is just there for the night.

Reality or Cynicism

I'm beginning to think you're not that great of a person, that you're just like me in the sense that you're trying to be a good person. But, and I don't know if this is even worse, you don't do it for the right reasons. Are you doing it because you want to seem nice? Because you want to go to heaven? How many of us actually are who we say we are? Or are we just pretending? How many of us will instinctively help out someone in need, regardless of the retribution? How many of us act a certain way (whether it is to seem cool, to seem smart, to seem like a great person) just to try to make someone else like us?
You've been hanging out with him too much. Or maybe I  never really knew you at all. But I remember the days when were you actually pure and innocent. I remember, because I was, too. But now, when people get older and wiser, we all become so...corrupted, in a sense. I miss those childhood days. Riddled with confusion and bad decisions (because we didn't know what was a bad decision) as they were. Because those old days were ones of unintentional deeds, good and bad.
AND you are so freaking blind.

We are all so hypocritical. I think society makes us all hypocritical. It's considered impolite to lie. But we tell white lies all the time to not hurt someone else's feelings. Preachers talk about loving other people, but I bet they have grudges against some people. The church talks about loving everyone, but people (from the Crusades to the current anti-gay marriage activists) have been using their religion as a justification for...basically, hate. I'm going to leave this topic, because the Bible is so contradictory (with itself!) that I don't even want to touch upon in this, already, relatively lengthy blog. Doctors are supposed to be the great people who are helping everyone. But all I hear are stories about pre-medical students being cut throat and competitive in college, a point where they don't help others and they sabotage other people's labs. I wouldn't want that type of doctor to take care of me. I want someone who genuinely cares about other people. I just get tired of society some times, and I retreat to my books, my piano/any sort of music, really, and mindless television shows, to get away from this world that is supposedly SO progressive. We're making technological advances, but television is taking away from our family bonding times. We're making genetically engineered foods...that are harmful for us. We're using chemicals in make up and other skincare products that espouses that they will help your body...but they contain chemicals that can cause cancer. What's the sense in this world? I've admitted it (to Linda Lam, only) that I've realized that I'm the biggest hypocrite in the world. At least I'm honest and I don't try to pretend otherwise. I'm sexist. I hit guys all the time, but expect them not to hit me back. I'm a horrible person, yeah, yeah, yeah. I tell everyone to follow their dreams, no matter what their parents say, but how am I living up to my own advice? How am I following my dreams, and not my father's?

Sigh. I'm just looking for a (real life) role model. Some sort of example of what to do. Some one to give me guidance (and I refuse to "follow" someone I can't talk to). But I guess a good person IS impossible to find in this world. That's why people need to "believe" so much in someone who is "perfect". Since my brother kinda left my life, and since my parents are shit at parenting, I've had to figure out everything on my own. It's getting tiring.

I'm watching a movie, and the actor said "sure as hell". Then it hit me. That's so freaking stupid. Hell ISN'T sure. We don't have PROOF that it exists. NO ONE knows what happens after we die. Hell, for all we know, could be a made up place, like Atlantis.

I'm a striver.

You're a Striver. Confident and sociable, you're a really good listener too and are generous with your time when it comes to helping others. Your friends know where to come if they want some really good advice. You have tons of infectious energy and lots of natural enthusiasm. You tend to be committed when it comes to achieving your goals in life. You set high standards for yourself and others and like to keep your eye on the prize. Resourcefulness is definitely one of your finest strengths. When you get excited about something, you have the confidence and passion to inspire all those around you. You're feeling comfortable in your own skin at the moment, so life's probably feeling good. Your balanced attitude and positive thinking mean you can take the good with the bad. A healthy relationship really is the bedrock of a happy home, but it also takes a lot of energy and commitment to maintain. Make sure that with all the other distractions, your love life doesn't end up at the bottom of the list. Life's all about options. Allow yourself to be excited by possibility and potential. Try not to push to know the answer all the time. There will be lots of twists and turns in life. Rather than wishing away the journey, try to live in the moment and enjoy every bump in the road! Challenge yourself to try new experiences and live life to the fullest. Remember that you can't be upbeat and outgoing 100 percent of the time. It's okay to tune out and look inward every now and again. In fact, we encourage it! You understand the importance of great friendships. They're one of the most precious things you have in your life. Make sure you seize every opportunity to spend time with your best friends. It's always a great source of inspiration and comfort to you.

Muy interesante.

Griffindor's where I wanna be...

but I'm afraid the sorting hat has put me into Slytherin :(
No worries. I shall change!