As the smoke clears, I awaken and untangle you from me. Would it make you feel better to watch me while I bleed?...You can take everything I have. You can break everything I am, like I'm made of glass, like I'm made of paper. Go on and try to tear me down, I will rising from the ground like a skyscaper. Yeah, it's a long way down. But I'm closer to the clouds up here.

Ah, Demi. Damn, girl.
This reminds me of a song I would have listened to in my depressed state. Some time ago :P
But it's time to stop blaming you for everything that went wrong after you came along.
It's time to put the responsibility on me, and no one else but me. I make my own choices, I make my own mistakes. It's my fault.

Cooking and Baking

There are so many cups of melted butter and fat in those cookies I made. So many cups of sugar. All those tablespoons of oil and salt in the dishes that I made. Why the hell did I start cooking -__- This is so bad now that I know what's in what I'm eating. My stomach is enormous, yikes. All that working out a few months ago, wasted. Now I need to start again, sigh.

Why, oh why, did Eric shave all that delicious hair off his head? The "flip"! The smooth, conditioned hotness. Why does such a hottie have to play such a dumb role on television. Oh, if only he was truly perfect. I'd finally have a celebrity crush? Hahaha.

Anyway, I have a couple days of break left. Must hang out with people, must get all my homework done, must send out business letters on behalf of robotics, and most of all....must get my sleeping schedule back in order. :) Good night!

Jeanette Wright: 2011 California Beat the Odds Scholarship Recipient

This is Jeanette Wright. She, along with all the other Beat the Odds recipients and all the other students like her, are amazing and inspirational. She gives me hope that the future of the world isn't SO bleak. I just wish that people like her were ruling the world and going to Ivy Leagues and etc.
It's one thing to watch these videos of other kids, but it's another to actually know them. We didn't really get to know each other much while at APYLP, but I'm just glad that I had the opportunity to meet her. I wanna watch these people become GREAT :)

Musical Theater?

Classic. Lovelovelove.

Guys who can sing are so sexy. This never gets old :)

Boy Meets World.

I miss watching this with my brother in the good old days. The little sisters in this show are always protected and loved by their older brothers ^___^ I'm so lucky I have a great older brother.

I should have taken more life lessons from this show. But then I didn't have this kind of insight years ago. The boys drop a couple compliments, and the girls fawn over them. How guys are dumb and blahhhhh. So many life mistakes.

Literature.

J.K. Rowling...worth billions of dollars and has created the most intricately thought out fictional series in the world. Stephanie Meyers...people say she can't write, but I've learned to appreciate her simplistic style of story telling. Toni Morrison makes weaving social, sexual, racial and economic inequalities together seem...easy.

"The average person has a total of 3 careers (not jobs, careers) throughout their entire life."
Excuse me for trying to plan out my entire future (to the day I want to be euphanized at age...70ish because I would rather die than be cooped up in a nursing home). So I'll take a degree in something interesting, but stable, and minor in Literature. Then I'll do what my major is, then retire after 10 years and be a teacher. Then retire early as a teacher and write, write, write, read, read, read :) Maybe start a business or go back to school to get a business administration degree somewhere along the road.

Wheeeeeeeeee. I feel calmer now.

Potential.

I have so much of it. I know I do. I know I can do anything if I devote a lot of time, will power and energy into doing it (if I had the time...and self motivation :P). But the most frustrating thing is that I have no idea what I want to do with my potential or skills. Medicine? Engineering? Business Administration? I'm interested in all of those things. But what will make me happiest? What will allow me to have time to always be there for my kids, in the future? Why do I think so much. Ms. Boquiren is right. I need to stop trying to plan out every detail of my future and just let life happen.

But graduating in 4 years is a must. I dont have the money to stay in school for ever -___-

Take a dive.

A boy is definitely not worth ruining a friendship for. If that friendship is breakable by a single person, then that friendship was never that strong, anyway. No matter how great he may be, the significant other will never be as great as a true friend. A friend will be there for you until you're 80. A boy might be there until next week. And a man is just there for the night.

Reality or Cynicism

I'm beginning to think you're not that great of a person, that you're just like me in the sense that you're trying to be a good person. But, and I don't know if this is even worse, you don't do it for the right reasons. Are you doing it because you want to seem nice? Because you want to go to heaven? How many of us actually are who we say we are? Or are we just pretending? How many of us will instinctively help out someone in need, regardless of the retribution? How many of us act a certain way (whether it is to seem cool, to seem smart, to seem like a great person) just to try to make someone else like us?
You've been hanging out with him too much. Or maybe I  never really knew you at all. But I remember the days when were you actually pure and innocent. I remember, because I was, too. But now, when people get older and wiser, we all become so...corrupted, in a sense. I miss those childhood days. Riddled with confusion and bad decisions (because we didn't know what was a bad decision) as they were. Because those old days were ones of unintentional deeds, good and bad.
AND you are so freaking blind.

We are all so hypocritical. I think society makes us all hypocritical. It's considered impolite to lie. But we tell white lies all the time to not hurt someone else's feelings. Preachers talk about loving other people, but I bet they have grudges against some people. The church talks about loving everyone, but people (from the Crusades to the current anti-gay marriage activists) have been using their religion as a justification for...basically, hate. I'm going to leave this topic, because the Bible is so contradictory (with itself!) that I don't even want to touch upon in this, already, relatively lengthy blog. Doctors are supposed to be the great people who are helping everyone. But all I hear are stories about pre-medical students being cut throat and competitive in college, a point where they don't help others and they sabotage other people's labs. I wouldn't want that type of doctor to take care of me. I want someone who genuinely cares about other people. I just get tired of society some times, and I retreat to my books, my piano/any sort of music, really, and mindless television shows, to get away from this world that is supposedly SO progressive. We're making technological advances, but television is taking away from our family bonding times. We're making genetically engineered foods...that are harmful for us. We're using chemicals in make up and other skincare products that espouses that they will help your body...but they contain chemicals that can cause cancer. What's the sense in this world? I've admitted it (to Linda Lam, only) that I've realized that I'm the biggest hypocrite in the world. At least I'm honest and I don't try to pretend otherwise. I'm sexist. I hit guys all the time, but expect them not to hit me back. I'm a horrible person, yeah, yeah, yeah. I tell everyone to follow their dreams, no matter what their parents say, but how am I living up to my own advice? How am I following my dreams, and not my father's?

Sigh. I'm just looking for a (real life) role model. Some sort of example of what to do. Some one to give me guidance (and I refuse to "follow" someone I can't talk to). But I guess a good person IS impossible to find in this world. That's why people need to "believe" so much in someone who is "perfect". Since my brother kinda left my life, and since my parents are shit at parenting, I've had to figure out everything on my own. It's getting tiring.

I'm watching a movie, and the actor said "sure as hell". Then it hit me. That's so freaking stupid. Hell ISN'T sure. We don't have PROOF that it exists. NO ONE knows what happens after we die. Hell, for all we know, could be a made up place, like Atlantis.

I'm a striver.

You're a Striver. Confident and sociable, you're a really good listener too and are generous with your time when it comes to helping others. Your friends know where to come if they want some really good advice. You have tons of infectious energy and lots of natural enthusiasm. You tend to be committed when it comes to achieving your goals in life. You set high standards for yourself and others and like to keep your eye on the prize. Resourcefulness is definitely one of your finest strengths. When you get excited about something, you have the confidence and passion to inspire all those around you. You're feeling comfortable in your own skin at the moment, so life's probably feeling good. Your balanced attitude and positive thinking mean you can take the good with the bad. A healthy relationship really is the bedrock of a happy home, but it also takes a lot of energy and commitment to maintain. Make sure that with all the other distractions, your love life doesn't end up at the bottom of the list. Life's all about options. Allow yourself to be excited by possibility and potential. Try not to push to know the answer all the time. There will be lots of twists and turns in life. Rather than wishing away the journey, try to live in the moment and enjoy every bump in the road! Challenge yourself to try new experiences and live life to the fullest. Remember that you can't be upbeat and outgoing 100 percent of the time. It's okay to tune out and look inward every now and again. In fact, we encourage it! You understand the importance of great friendships. They're one of the most precious things you have in your life. Make sure you seize every opportunity to spend time with your best friends. It's always a great source of inspiration and comfort to you.

Muy interesante.

Griffindor's where I wanna be...

but I'm afraid the sorting hat has put me into Slytherin :(
No worries. I shall change!

All nighters.

What I don't like about staying up all night to do homework:

• kicking my dad out of his own bedroom for the night, because the only working printer is in his room...and he refuses to move it to the vacant room. or the living room. -____- stubborn butt. (I don't even have a choice. he just gets up and goes to sleep in the guest room for the night...but my fault for not saying anything to stop him. it's okay, we can sleep anywhere. it runs in the family :P )
• the amount of excess calories that I consume 
• not even getting that much done
• missing sleep...
• being awake when it's the coldest time of the day...

What I like....probably the only positive thing is that I get this peaceful solitude that I don't get at any other time. Except if I'm dead. Or asleep. Because if I stay off facebook...I can imagine that no one's up and I'm the only one in the world and no one's around to bother me. 

Holiday Season.

I wanna put up Christmas lights around the house.
I want the whole Christmas tree, fire place (ironically, my house has a fire place... and we live in San Diego), presents under the tree, Christmas caroling, hot chocolate, family time thing that normal families have.
Except it's awkward...because my parents don't celebrate Christmas.
They don't celebrate Thanksgiving...my dad worked on Thanksgiving :(
They don't even celebrate Lunar New Year that much. I guess if we lived in Vietnam, it'd be different in that regard. But they have Christmas over there too :( My parents are just......UGH.
They don't celebrate birthdays, period.
I think they used to celebrate mine. We'd at least go out to eat or something. But now, nothing.
I blame my dad. My mom is surprisingly more loving, despite all the...crap.
It's okay. I guess.
I'm gonna have such a DIFFERENT family when I'm older. I'm gonna smother everyone with love :) Like I do to Angela hehehee. And Kevin, because he called me his Worst Enemy around the time we first met. But now I'm his worst Enemy, because I'm always obnoxiously nice to him, like "HI BUDDY!" and "HOW ARE YOU, BEST FRIEND?" :) I'm the worst Enemy ever, hehehehe.

Just thinking about stuff, I guess. Even though I have no time to contemplate life any more.
SAT Subjects are on Saturday... I can't do this anymore. I can't study/work all day, all night anymore. After homework, extra curriculars, scholarships and errands/cooking...I'm dead. I'll be happy if I get a 600 on anything. T_T

HD Camera

We were deciding our service learning project yesterday. Amara brought up the topic of making a documentary about bullying at school, but no one wanted to do bullying...or a documentary. I've actually been toying with the idea of making a documentary for a couple years now. I know how to edit videos and stuff on Sony Vegas Pro. I just need an HD camcorder. So I might buy myself that for my 18th birthday/yay i'm done with college apps present :) The issue I'm thinking about doing right now is homelessness. I could interview homeless people and all of that...but I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to go up to homeless people and ask to talk to them.

I'm sure other ideas will come about. I'll add "make a documentary" to my life goals :)

To the 12th Grade Me.

Have fun.
Enjoy what's left of high school.
But still try your best.
Push yourself to do the things you love, while pushing yourself to study hard.
It will all pay off in the end.
But most importantly of all: where ever you end up...make it your mindset to love it there.
Don't worry too much about the finances >.<"

Stop pretending,

to be someone you're not.

MTV.

It's not that I think I'm too good for you. Don't take it the wrong way. I'm not enough.

Everythig happens for a reason.

I lost my 4gb USB today :(
I keep losing things.
I retraced my steps and asked all the lost-and-founds at UCSD Geisel, PC and BML, but no luck.

But! I started using Google docs :D
It's so awesome. And better than using a USB because I'll never use any of my documents. Unless Google shuts down, but that's unlikely as it's becoming a monopoly lolol.
I was sad. But now I'm happy ^_^

Breaking Dawn, Part 1

"Being any kind of happy is better than being miserable."
I disagree. I think being miserable is better than being fake happy.
But I also disagree with Jacob...imprinting doesn't necessarily have to be the fake kind of happy. The werewolves just found their soul mate instinctively, instead of having to go through the process of trial and error :)

Politics.

 

I despise it -_-
Articles and videos treating protesters like they're less than human. Using cruel and unusual punishment (amendment....) on protesters, like dousing them with pepper spray and then having Congress declare it "healthy for the protesters", because pepper spray is a vegetable -______-" Just take money away from "defense", the army, welfare (because we know people abuse the shit outta that program anyway), the 1%, and everybody stfu. Why do people gotta be haters and cause controversy. I understand the issue when it comes to immigration and marijuana, because it affects everyone in different ways. But abortion and gay rights? Let people make their own decisions, live their own lives, and do whatever they want. Heh. I guess if I had to categorize myself, I'd be a liberal. But I think after this rant, I'm just gonna stay out of politics. It's kind of obvious that the majority feel that the government isn't doing its job. Let's all become communists hohoho just kidding. My parents ran away from that type of gov., too.

Politics, in every way and every division, is corrupt.
 People who are in power, abuse their power to some degree. It's human nature. There's no way around it. That's why I didn't like ASB and never applied to be in it again, after spending my entire sophomore year in that class.
Sigh. Can't we all just get along?

I can't have you.

And I'm completely fine with that ^_^

ahmahgahhh so much work to do. I don't even know where to start. Arthur say to start with the hardest thing...but...they're all so hard @_@
college supplements and studying for the math II SAT...it raped my ass last time T_T sighhhhh